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Posts Tagged ‘not tonight’

I have to say, I appreciate the difficulty of having honest discussions in a relationship.  Sometimes it’s easier to come up with a lame excuse rather than having an argument about the real reason.

Death and Taxes has an excellent article on the recently viral email sent from a husband to his wife detailing in a spreadsheet the number of times over the course of a month and a half that he attempted to have sex with his her and her answer and (where applicable) reason for not doing so.

Sure have to say, if you look at that spreadsheet, it looks pretty bad.  Bad excuses, multiple times in a row, I mean clearly he has reason to be upset, right?

Except that spreadsheet, with all its detail, is missing one very important element: what HE did prior to wanting sex that most likely resulted in her saying no.  But of course, it’s easier to say “I’m tired” than have an all-out fight about the fact that he did something or didn’t do something that was the likely real cause she had no desire to be intimate later that night.

The radio was even talking about it this morning, pointing out perhaps he was using this as a prelude to an extramarital affair as if to say This is why I’m seeking sex elsewhere.  They were pretty brutal on her, suggesting perhaps *she* is the one being unfaithful on her trips.  But then, they were all guys, and so they see things through his perspective of it’s all about sex (or lack thereof.)

Listening to 3 grown men discuss why it wasn’t okay for a wife to reject her husband that many times (not that they ever condoned force, but that wasn’t really the point) was a bit frightening and sickening both.  They might as well have been talking about spousal abuse for all the legitimacy they gave her reasons.

It’s easy when faced with such “blatant facts” to forget that this is such a small blip in the picture of their lives, that we have no idea what he’s like or what she’s like, we don’t know what he did or didn’t do, or what she may or may not have really felt about it.

It’s unfortunate that such information has gone viral and has prompted some very disheartening discussions in this day and age – where it’s still seen as the wife “owes” her husband sex.

Counseling may be in order.  Or maybe just a long bout of introspection and reflection on his part of what he’s doing to contribute to her decisions not to be intimate.

While sometimes it really is just one person – despite what adults always insisted when we were kids – it usually isn’t.  There’s usually always two sides to every story and both generally contribute – if not equally – to any issues happening in a relationship.

Dear Sir: If you love and value your wife, don’t email her spreadsheets of your perception of her “failures” on her way out of town.  Wait till she comes back and sit down and tell her you want an open and honest discussion of why she isn’t feeling like being intimate with you and how you can help.

Dear Ma’am: I know it’s easier to give lame excuses like headaches and tired and such, but unfortunately that is only prolonging the issues and delaying any kind of resolution.  Be open and honest – however much it may cause a fight – about why you aren’t feeling like being intimate with him.

To all people in any kind of relationship: No matter how stupid it sounds, say what you’re feeling.  Be honest with your partner.  Even if you have to talk like a 4 yr old and say “I feel hurt when you [ blank ].”  And be clear that it’s your feelings involved.  It’s easy to throw blame and accusations, it’s harder to own up to our own feelings.  “I felt vulnerable…” “I feel sad…” “I’m not comfortable with…” “I get angry when…”

Feelings are facts.  You can’t really argue with them, they just are.  What you *do* with them can be constructive or not, but the feelings themselves just are, they aren’t good or bad.  So first be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling, then be honest with your partner.  If you can’t even be honest about your feelings, how can you have a solid relationship??

“Not tonight, dear, I’m still angry with you for being childish and disrespectful to me by leaving your dirty clothes in a heap NEXT to the hamper and making me pick them up for you.”

“Not tonight, honey, I’m hurt that you dismissed my feelings earlier today and made fun of me for crying at something you deemed insignificant.”

“Not tonight, sweety.  Slapping my ass and saying ‘here comes Daddy’ is NOT my idea of a romantic come-on or adequate foreplay.”

Would THAT get the point across, maybe?

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